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Monday, April 18, 2011

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I have never lied so much in all my life as I have since my son has become a toddler.  I realized the other day that the lying starts the minute he wakes up and continues ALL DAY LONG.  Observe:  My son wakes up and wants to watch Little Brown Bear (aka The World's Most Annoying DVD) for the hundreth time.  To dodge an inevitable meltdown I lie and tell him we seem to have misplaced it and we'll certainly hunt for it later on (another lie).  After breakfast as we get dressed for preschool, he asks if he can wear his favorite green socks with the blue stripes despite the fact that he is wearing a brown and mustard colored shirt with brown sweats.  "They are in the washing machine" I fib, avoiding yet another confrontation.  When we get into the car he gives me a hard time about buckling the bottom straps of his carseat.  "What will happen if I don't" he asks with an attitude in his voice.  "The police man will pull us over and you will go to jail" I snap back.  OK, I'm not proud of this obvious exaggeration but we are late for preschool (again) and the tone of his voice is like nails on a chalkboard so I let my frustration get the best of me.  After I pick him up from school he asks if we can go to a "bounce house" place.  "Oh, they are closed on Mondays" I lie which just seems easier than saying "No."  We stop at the store before arriving home and my son picks out some candy in the checkout line.  "Can I get this" he whines.  I tell a double lie:  "No, too much sugar will make your teeth fall out (this one may have an ounce of truth to it but no one has done an experiment to my knowledge to truly test my theory) besides I don't have enough money" I say as I hand the cashier my credit card (luckily he's not old enough to realize the irony of this statement!)  We arrive home and he asks if he can have a cookie.  "Not until you eat lunch I say."  As I prepare the standard peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I jam a cookie in my mouth right as he comes around the corner.  "What are you eating, Mom?" he asks.  "A carrot" I reply (at this point I've lied so much it's becoming second nature).  After lunch I begin to clean the kitchen and decide it's time to pitch the 15 sheets of "artwork" cluttering the front of the refrigerator.  My son accidentally finds them in the garbage and panics.  "What are my pictures doing in the garbage?!" he asks with tears in his eyes.  "Oh my, I meant to put those in your scrapbook" I fake as I dust coffee grounds off a shamrock covered in glitter that is getting all over the kitchen floor.  At dinner I tell him the fish is chicken, at bath time I tell him my wine is grape juice, at bedtime I tell him it's "way past your bedtime."  I collapse onto the couch next to my husband....coming up with new lies every day is exhausting and I'm glad I can finally tell the truth.  "Wanna do it?" my husband asks.  "Not tonight, I have a headache," I lie.

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