Potty Talk

We have several Golden Rules in our house.  There is No Hitting, No Talking Back, No Jumping on the Couch, and No Tattling.  That last one can be kind of tricky because if Tyler tells me that “Maddy is picking her nose,” she will often counter with (insert angry, whiny voice) “Mom, Tyler tell on me” which is actually tattling on the tattler so everyone goes to their room!  The rule that is probably broken most often is No Potty Talk.  Sometimes it is an obvious and punishable offense.  “You’re a poppy head,” for example would earn an instant time out.  In other situations, the kids are just stating facts or making observations and at times like these I try to keep a straight face and educate them.  Here are some recent examples:

Maddy:  Are we having vagina for dinner?

Me:   No!  Watch my mouth, La-Sa-Gna.

Tyler:  I just peed in the backyard.

Me:  We don’t pee outside when a bathroom is readily accessible.

Tyler:  There’s poop in my underwear (AKA skid marks).

Me:  It is important to wipe really good after pooping.

Maddy:  Do you know what color my poop is, Mom?   GREEN!

Me:  What have you been eating, child?!

Tyler in the bathtub:  The bubbles from my farts are tickling my penis!

Me:  That’ll happen.

Tyler:  My penis is hard and it won’t go down.

Me:  Go talk to your father immediately!

In these regular, daily moments when farts, poop and privates are the topic of conversation I will often look to my husband for assistance.  He is less successful at hiding his amusement.  Understandably so.  He, like so many males that I know, has spent a lifetime making jokes about bodily functions.  He once laughed for 10 minutes at the sound of his own fart!  When Tyler farts at the dinner table or Madelyn burps like a 40 year old man, I will often find my husband covering his mouth with his hand to hide his grin or disappearing behind the Chicago Tribune, his shoulders bouncing up and down in fits of laughter.  For now I guess the responsibility of enforcing the No Potty Talk rule will fall on my shoulders but I will still defer all questions about erections to my husband.

P.S. If you or someone you know is interested in Pre or Postnatal Pilates classes, visit my website at http://www.pilatesbycarrie.com/ for upcoming class schedules as enrollment is in full swing!